Perspectives

This week was so great having Jerrod. There is a joy in watching a boy become a man and though it is the boy I miss so much, so very deepdeepdown much, the man makes me very proud.

Greg left the photo at my mom’s, but Jerrod brought it home the other night. One of their friends had it from Easter of ’99 when they were but pups and she sent it with him. He put it on my fridge with a believe magnet my sister had given me some time back. I’ve never seen anything so cute, so I’ll post it after I retrieve it from VB.

When I took up painting, I moved Aaron’s bed out. As I had said, “So that I can have a place to paint.” While Jerrod was here, I realized how hurt and angry I’d been that no one was ever sleeping in that bed. The bed that is no more. Though I won’t put it back up (I won’t move backward), I don’t think I was quite “there” yet. All the rest is the same in his room (except for my table and paints). I gave the cammo cover and sheets to Weston. Aaron had not yet enjoyed this new room of his, though he was very aware of it (Thank God.)

When I was at Semper Fi Mom’s house, I shared with her that I’d taken Aaron’s two uniforms (as different as night and day) to have cleaned for the first time in 3 ½ years. I told her that I was going to put them up. They’d hung out for that time, so they did need cleaned, but they looked so good when I picked them up. They looked like they weren’t quite ready to be “put up” but now I have to worry about getting paint on them as I do tend to get it everywhere a little bit, so they are currently in the closet.

Anyway, I apologized to Jerrod, said I’d been selfish, and he quickly agreed. He and Aaron have always been quick to jump on any sense of the word “wrong” coming out of my mouth. And I have been wrong. Not so much about the bed. As hard as reality can be, no one will ever be sleeping in that bed much anymore. With work and school, Jerrod is only able to come once a year and the gas prices are playing with that one! Several of Aaron’s Marine brothers have talked about visiting, and though I would dearly love and quickly arrange a bed for that event, I truly don’t expect it any longer, and I am okay with that. But with each passing day, my hope is that each of them move a little bit from that day as I can’t even imagine the pain and suffering that it causes those left behind and shattered in some part of their soul because of not only April 26, 2004, but because of what so many have experienced. Their lives are changed, because of us, it is because of us and our way of living that each man and woman, no matter how strong or brave, each one suffers death in some way because of their love of mankind and man’s freedom. Their love becomes their curse, as far as the world would see it anyway. But no matter the end of each soldier here on this earth, their Lord knows their ways, their hearts, and He knows those who follow His example in suffering and death for another. He has promised them that He will not give them more than they can bear, but still too, He has given them much to bear.

This is going somewhere.

Those of us who’ve loved and buried have much to bear.

Some people say that change is natural and I suppose that’s true or maybe we acclimate to it. Mourning is a part of my day, most every day. But it is no longer a thing to be dreaded. It is like a part of every other personal thing I do each day, like brush my teeth or comb my hair. It doesn’t surprise and most times I come away from that time with something. I can’t say what for sure. But I’ve been chiseled a little more. Sometimes I’m a little sharper due to the chiseling, but I rarely think so at the time.

I told Jerrod, “Of course we’re changed. We’re changed forever.”

Jerrod simply said, “Yes, but I also would like to think I’m changed some because I’m moving forward. After five years, I should be different.” He was speaking of some of his friends that were still here doing the same things they did five years ago.

Smart kid.

Well, back to the paints. I’ve decided on a cammo background for a pair of toe shoes. I haven’t liked how it’s been turning out, so sweet and all. The toe shoes themselves actually look like hell and the only thing that looked worse were Kayla’s little bleeding toes that came out of them, so with a whole new perspective, I re-arm myself with green, OD green.

Semper Fi!