I haven’t been too open this week. There have been things to take care of and I’m in love with taking care of Dad. It’s kind of like taking care of Cady right now, the love just overrides the pain.
Not so in other areas.
Three years ago today the Marines brought Aaron’s things to us. The next day Aaron would have been 22.
Tomorrow Aaron would have been 25, two years younger than his mother was when she gave birth to the absolute joy and pain of her life.
Just writing the four previous paragraphs makes me feel better.
I haven’t quite known how I was going to handle today and tomorrow with the blog. My tears are much the same as they were in 06, 05, and I can look back in 04 and realize it still wasn’t real to me then. I know that makes no sense, but there it is.
I thought about being a “big girl” this year, leave it alone, don’t make others sad or worry. Well, if I was a little girl right now, I’d want my mommy, if I was a best friend right now, I’d want my buddy. If I was a mother right now, I’d want my baby.
I am a survivor today. Today I will survive and I will remember. I will open the hole a little more; the scar tissue spreads and does its work one more year. In the end, at the end of the day, be it right or be it wrong, I am passing time until I am with him again. I’ll try not to hurt anyone along the way, and too, I’ll try to do some good along the path, benefit someone I love or another in need, but honestly, I am in waiting. My heart cannot even begin to comprehend desire in any other fashion. I’ve tried…even with the writing. It’s not a career I seek—that’s lost its brilliance and truly leads nowhere. I haven’t the energy for that.
I am ready to read again. I can use past tense verbs concerning Aaron now. I can say killed and died and other words that were nearly impossible for me. They still sound strange and come across with a lot of the story missing. But I can say them, and I think I have enough concentration to actually set down with a long book. Mom?
Re-runs coming up on the blog? I guess you could call it that. If it’s not this year, it will be next year. We all know what a year can bring though, so for the next two days, my posts will primarily be about my son or images of him and who and what he loved. It could be re-runs, it could be anything, I have no pre-conception of what to bring to the blog table, but Aaron, I love you with everything in me, and son, every day is the same concerning that.
Semper Fi
a Mom-in-waiting
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7 comments:
Bless you sweet little one. We will read anything you put on this blog, even re-runs! We come here to be with you and your Family, the reading is just a plus!
You're the greatest, Diane, and thank you. I am better. I've had several good cries and my poetic sister has been emailing me sweet sentences all day.
I know I am so blessed. And I know he's okay and I am too. And I will wait and love until I see him again.
I'm with Diane, we'll read anything you post. Your buddies are here and we love you.
Oh, and I love you, too. All of you. An Andy Griffith Marathon is on (but not with Barney! Darn!), chicken's in the oven, Greg's home.
Sometimes it takes me by surprise how intense the pain can be and has been this week, but I really am better now.
Thank you and your families for this freedom. God bless us all. God bless America.
ya know... I was thinking (LOL sometimes that's not good) Can you have a chat room in a blog? We need a room we can all come to and just chat! I've had a few margarita's and I so want to just chat with you girls! I know it's so weird but I feel so close to all of you. Guess I'll go make up a screen name and go to islam chat and see how long it takes to be booted! (smile) They just love when I enter the chat room and say "I'm wearing the new Martha Stewart spring collection on my head, any camel smokers here?" They boot me to the blue screen everytime! If I was in here, I'd nevah be booted! Miss ya guys!
You are so crazy, Diane! I love it! Islam? LOL!!!
Actually we were going to have a chat room on the one Steve was building, but that's all kaput now!
We love you!
Yup, Islam chat. It's an aol thing, but yes, they have Islam chat. They don't much like Lil ol' me, I have no idea why? I'm sure they'd love VB! We sure don't need Steve do a chatroom for us. I wonder how we can make one. I'll have to research that. Wouldn't it be fun to have us girls get together on a certain night and just chat once a week! We'll have to put that on our to do list. That is one thing I'm really good at, chatting!
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