Letters from home

forgot to do the re-sizing on #3 when I cut out the address. This is the first time I've looked at these since I gave them to Zach in the scrapbook (photo #1). There are several letters from me in there. Most of them concern the progress of his room

Waiting and Remembering

I haven’t been too open this week. There have been things to take care of and I’m in love with taking care of Dad. It’s kind of like taking care of Cady right now, the love just overrides the pain.

Not so in other areas.

Three years ago today the Marines brought Aaron’s things to us. The next day Aaron would have been 22.

Tomorrow Aaron would have been 25, two years younger than his mother was when she gave birth to the absolute joy and pain of her life.

Just writing the four previous paragraphs makes me feel better.

I haven’t quite known how I was going to handle today and tomorrow with the blog. My tears are much the same as they were in 06, 05, and I can look back in 04 and realize it still wasn’t real to me then. I know that makes no sense, but there it is.

I thought about being a “big girl” this year, leave it alone, don’t make others sad or worry. Well, if I was a little girl right now, I’d want my mommy, if I was a best friend right now, I’d want my buddy. If I was a mother right now, I’d want my baby.

I am a survivor today. Today I will survive and I will remember. I will open the hole a little more; the scar tissue spreads and does its work one more year. In the end, at the end of the day, be it right or be it wrong, I am passing time until I am with him again. I’ll try not to hurt anyone along the way, and too, I’ll try to do some good along the path, benefit someone I love or another in need, but honestly, I am in waiting. My heart cannot even begin to comprehend desire in any other fashion. I’ve tried…even with the writing. It’s not a career I seek—that’s lost its brilliance and truly leads nowhere. I haven’t the energy for that.

I am ready to read again. I can use past tense verbs concerning Aaron now. I can say killed and died and other words that were nearly impossible for me. They still sound strange and come across with a lot of the story missing. But I can say them, and I think I have enough concentration to actually set down with a long book. Mom?

Re-runs coming up on the blog? I guess you could call it that. If it’s not this year, it will be next year. We all know what a year can bring though, so for the next two days, my posts will primarily be about my son or images of him and who and what he loved. It could be re-runs, it could be anything, I have no pre-conception of what to bring to the blog table, but Aaron, I love you with everything in me, and son, every day is the same concerning that.

Semper Fi
a Mom-in-waiting

A Mother's Crown

Dedicated to today's 9 mothers. God be with you and your families.

***

Source Unknown

Heaven lit up with His mighty presence,
As all the Angels looked down,
Today the Lord was placing the jewels,
In all the mother's crowns.
As He held up a golden crown,
As all the mother's looked on,
He said in His gentle voice,
I just want to explain each stone.
He held the first gem in His hand
But the radiance couldn't match His own.
For He was the light of Heaven,
Reflecting off each of the stones.
The first gem, He said, is an emerald,
And it's for endurance alone,
For all the nights you waited up,
For your children to come home,
For all the nights by their bedside,
You stayed till the fever went down,
For nursing every little wound,
I add this emerald to your crown.
A ruby, I'll place by the emerald,
For leading your child in the right way,
For if you hadn't taught them about me,
They wouldn't be here with you today.
For always being right there,
Thru all life's important events,
I give you a sapphire stone,
For the time and love you spent.
For untying the strings that held them,
When they grew up and left home,
I give you this one for courage,
Then the Lord added an amethyst stone.
I'll place a stone of garnet, He said,
For all the times you spent on your knees,
When you asked me to take care of your children,
And them for having faith in me.
I have a pearl for every little sacrifice,
That you made without them knowing,
For all the times you went without,
To keep them happy, healthy, and growing.
And last of all I have a diamond,
The greatest of all gems,
For those mother's who lost their children,
When they came home to heaven before them.
This is the most precious sacrifice,
So I give the most precious stone,
For I know just how you felt,
I too lost a child of my own.
After the Lord placed the last jewel in,
He said, Heaven is now complete,
For every mother has her crown of jewels,
And all her children are at her feet.

Thanks to Diane.

jm@thinkingagain.com
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